Tremors In My Heart

Few seconds of tremors in the capital on Wednesday night made me think how emotional independence was no less important than being financially self-reliant.

I was alone at my rented flat in Delhi, all set to decide which shirt to wear to office the next morning. As I stood before the steel almirah, it started making a shattering sound.

Before I could judge the situation, I heard an electric spark followed by a total blackout in the colony. I groped for a torch and went out in the balcony. People had come out and were discussing the fear they had just witnessed for less than 10 seconds.

I called up my mom but disconnected the phone, thinking it was too late as she might have fallen asleep. A friend called asking if I was fine after the quake.

Staying alone for almost four years now, I thought I was all too brave. But panic struck after I hung up the call. I felt a strange disconnect with the world, none to call and look for strength. Yes, I felt weak. Tears rolling on my cheek, my voice almost choked. I felt I was still dependent on others, betraying my own belief that economic independence freed one from social bondage.

I had been an emotional child, an impulsive teenager till my college days, but became more and more confident as I started working in 2005. I commuted alone in trains and buses from Ghaziabad to Delhi for work, waited for autos at 10 in the night. Facing and killing my fears, I never gave discount to myself on the basis of being a woman.

Lengthy commuting time and odd shifts at work brought me to Delhi in 2007. It wasn’t easy convincing my mother, though.

This was the second time I panicked, last being “intimidated” by a street dog at 11.30 pm some three years ago (at my building’s stairs).

Coincidentally, that was also a second floor apartment with an attached balcony.

Last night’s fear was not of being buried under the debris or harassed by someone at night but the feeling of being alone (without any friends around).

This almost questioned my strength as a woman living in the city alone. Why was I scared? Why couldn’t I lock the door and go downstairs like most other people? Was I waiting for an external help? Who could have saved me from the horror? No one but my inner self could have helped me. But in my fit of emotions, I almost tried to escape the situation and look for support outside.

Had I stood there and told myself that I have to take care of my own, I would have been proud of myself. Instead, I took refuge by speaking at home and became normal (on the surface level), not sure if my brother read the pain in my choked voice.

Friends, not even family, can be with you 24x7. And if we choose a life that demands solitude and introspection, we have to be fearless in all situations.

The tremors taught me a “great lesson” only if I could make it a pillar to carve a story of strength for every woman wanting to be independent. After all, I was not the only one alone in the city.

Why Is Anna Such A Hit?

The newspapers are filled with life and time of a 74-year old man, who loves to talk and doesn’t quite like it if a politician calls him “old”.Well, there has been a deluge of editorials and views off-late on the “second struggle for freedom” as the man in focus, Anna Hazare, calls it. And believing in the same ideal of “democracy” that this man has stood for, I have dared to write this article.

Brilliantly using the Indian Media and cashing in on the current anti-Congress (political) sentiments a social activist launched a fast unto death on April 5, 2011. (Did I say just 2 days after Team India won the ICC World Cup and TV news channels were looking for their next big kill? Oh, come on, that was something I read in another Editorial.)

Irrespective of whether he made any ideological sense or not, the Media jumped into the Anna bandwagon. The whole Anna phenomenon, also being tagged as “August Kranti” by some of my fellow media persons, created a sense of erroneous belief that he was the biggest crusader against corruption.

Suddenly, the entire focus shifted from other important issues like rising prices and escalating crime against woman in the capital to humungous scams India witnessed in the first 2 years of UPA II.

People were so moved by the appeals made by Anna that they even forgot about the lakhs of rupees struck in the “land acquisition controversy” in Greater Noida.

The April 5-9 campaign was a success. Government agreed to form a 10-member joint committee to draft the Jan Lokpal Bill. Almost everyone from the urban middle-class learned the term “civil society.” Not even bothering to know if there was any difference at all between society and civil society. Five (only male) representatives including an eminent father-son duo of lawyers, a Justice (Retd), a former IRS officer and a social activist formed a group named as “Team Anna”.

They held a series of meetings with “Team Manmohan” which included our Finance Minister Pranab Mukherjee, a veteran Congress leader and a taint-free Cabinet ranked minister.

After several deliberations on an anti-graft bill or the Jan Lokpal Bill, the two sides exchanged their drafts of the same. The discussions were not kept to themselves rather Media was called after almost every meeting to accuse and abuse the ruling political class.

The movement started to change colour from an anti-corruption campaign to an anti-Congress one. As if all the previous non-Congress governments had been corruption free.

There were accusations and counter-accusations among politicians and the new-found representatives of the civil society. Some of the Congress men went to the extent of calling Anna an agent of Hindu nationalist organisation RSS (as a backlash of Centre’s show down on emerging “saffron terror” in the country). There were reports of free meals at Anna’s 12-day battleground, Ramlila Maidan, being funded by one of the affiliates of the right-winged Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh. The Sangh and its associates, however, denied any direct links to the campaign.

It was after the government referred their version of the bill, bypassing Team Anna’s draft of the Jan Lokpal Bill, in the Parliament that the campaign turned more aggressive and in many ways one-dimensional.

Why Anna Is Not Gandhi

The whole Anna movement spoke of either standing with them or being pro-corrupt. This in itself is “undemocratic”. There is always a space for debates and disagreements in a democratic set up. But this seemed to disappear in the second campaign. Anna declared: “You pass my bill, or I shall go on fast-unto-death”.

The theatrics and the symbolism used by Team Anna during the entire campaign made the comparisons with Mahatma Gandhi an anomaly. Gandhi led India’s biggest freedom movement by spreading awareness among the common man.

Here, the situation was completely different. Public emotions played a great role. Most of the people joining the campaign either didn’t know what the Jan Lokpal Bill was or didn’t bother to quantify the implications of implementing all the conditions proposed by Team Anna.

Only a select few could see the castle of “unrealistic” expectations this movement built. A single piece of paper (The Jan Lokpal Bill) promising billions of people including the corrupt ones to rid the country of up to 70% corruption. Amazing, isn’t it?

Ignorance can mobilise crowds, even as the Media can make anything look “larger than life”. Thousands of people pledged support to Annaji without getting into the feasibility aspect of the Jan Lokpal Bill.

The campaign now changed from anti-Congress to anti-Parliament with Anna telling the crowd about how the Jan Sansad was above the real Sansad i.e. The Parliament. People were moved, some celebs and some wannabe activists shared dais with the star campaigner.

People used the stage to vent anger against the ruling Congress. Forgetting that corruption was as much rooted in state politics, as it was in the politics of the Centre.

Policies are made at the Centre but (not) implemented at state levels. Anna never spoke about the corruption in BJP-ruled Karnataka during his entire campaign. (Some of us had not been able to forget his praise for BJP poster boy and Gujarat CM Narendra Modi).

Neither did he spoke on how the present provisions under the law could be strengthened to curb corruption.

How his bill would stop the local policewala to take bribe from hawkers and street vendors. How it would stop shopkeepers at Railway stations and other public places from overcharging consumers. How it would contain the root cause of corruption i.e. malice and sheer poverty? 

Several questions were left unanswered. The entire attention diverted to long speeches, melodrama and extensive live coverage. Some musical bands performing at the venue took care of the rest. Popular youth poet Dr Kumar Vishwas was the stage manager, sometimes citing his famous lines (Koi deewana kehta hai).

Anna’s fast-cum-campaign, criticised of being highly rightist, ended with two Dalit and Muslim girls (hand-picked from the crowd) serving him coconut water with honey. This was the perfect ending to a well choreographed show backed by large-scale SMS, social media campaigns to make sure they did not miss out on the “Youth”.

The August 16th fast-unto-death movement gathered maximum eyeballs on news channels even as the TRPs of TV soaps slumped.

Anna seemed to be the face of the campaign with others like Arvind Kejriwal and Kiran Bedi being the real voices behind. The exit of Swami Agnivesh and Justice (Rtrd) Hegde gave force to this belief.

Secondly, Anna’s announcement of a campaign for electoral reforms has left me pondering as to where would this hijacking technique end?  This self-proclaimed Gandhian chose to suggest people to reject an elected representative Govt than to encourage the urban non-voting middle class to vote for the right candidates.

Looking at the huge public support behind him, he should have encouraged people to come forward and join Politics. After all, this government or any government in the next General Elections needs people who want to work for the country, on or off the camera.

Also Read: Does Lack Of Political Will Or Ignorance Kill A Social Moment?

Why is Marriage so inevitable in India?

Views expressed here are personal. Not intended to offend anyone willing to marry or already married. Read on.

The vicious circle

People marry for sex? People marry for financial security? Or, people marry because it’s vital for survival and acceptance in society. Whatever the reasons may be, marriage in itself has no meaning. It is a means to achieve goals, not an end in itself, I feel.

Mostly, we marry for self-gratification, to prove our worth to the world. People who marry late or don’t marry at all have to face irksome questions. Despite all efforts, they fail to satisfy others of their choice of single hood.

People who remain single are either judged as sadists or psychic. Except those who dedicate their life to a cause. Rest for everyone, staying unmarried is looked upon with suspicion.

The problem is with the age-old mentality that has been obsessed with the tradition of kinship. For years, women have been an integral resource to extend the family tree, of which they are not even considered a part. They are supposed to serve as a silent spectator. This is the core reality of most of the rural India. The irony is that women themselves are content to play this role.

Despite all this, women love to marry. For many, marriage seems to be a “safe passage” to break the monotony of a tiresome middle-class life. By the time they reach 25, it becomes almost indispensable for them to leave their homes and “look outward”. It may also be due to the family members’ changing behavior towards them. A new home, new room (though, with a partner) and a whole new wardrobe seems exciting. For men, the reasons may be otherwise.

But as they say, nothing comes for free. All the fallacy associated with marriage vanishes after the encounter with reality. Be it a working woman or a home-maker, challenges are myriad. But she accepts it in exchange of the other benefits.

Those unable to cope up with the changes either land in divorce or an embittered marriage.

Family upbringing and cultural background play a great role in an individual’s perception about marriage. Looking at the number of cross-culture marriages in my family, I have come to believe that marriage should be considered a “personal” rather than a “family affair”.

However, even if a person marries for family's sake, ultimately he/she becomes part of the larger section of society that advocates marriage. Marriage is a legal arrangement between two people to stay together without being poked by the society. That's what differentiates it  from a “Live-in” relationship. 

“Live-ins” do not come with a bond nor garner the same respect as marriages in India. A married couple, however estranged, gets more societal support than a live-in couple in love.  The trend we say is catching up, but the patriarchal mindset hasn’t changed much. When I say “patriarchal”, I am referring to every man and woman who may possess this mentality.

When two people stay together, under marriage or Live-in the need for a child is inevitable. To have a child out of wed-lock in India has legal implications. Moreover, both the partners may not even agree.

Therefore, one needs to marry to have a child. Again marriage becomes a "means" to get your need fulfilled. Adoption is seen as an alternative but every child deserves the love and care of both the parents. Hence, I do not advocate being a single mother if there is an option to marry.

For men, passing on the family name is a responsibility. They have to marry for family’s sake. It’s not that boys don’t fight for love marriages; they might be few who fight for marriage. They do not face as many questions as girls do, even if they marry at 30.

Marriage is a single word holding different meaning for different people at different points in their life. Still I would say, it has implications in the long run but no meaning on the surface.

Waiting: Endless Slumber

I have been thinking for the last 10 days, why am I waiting. Waiting to get my first story book published, waiting for a change in professional life. That coveted 'creative satisfaction' in life.

This waiting is endless. I know I can write, and express situations and feelings through words. But aren’t there millions waiting to be the next Booker Winner! So how does one quantify the importance of waiting?

Who cares, if my books don’t turnout to be a ‘Bestseller’. At least, it would satisfy my quest to write. A walk inside a book store today made me feel guilty, guilty of not doing enough for myself.

I don’t want to wait anymore. Those who wait, never reach their goal. Waiting is like an endless sleep. We wait for that special moment, that special person but fail to address it when it actually arrives. And sometimes, waiting underplays the goal itself. Waiting for things beyond our control seems worthless to me. 

We can make it, only when we are awake. So if you have a target, don’t wait. Start working for it. I am a bad manager with time. And that’s what is coming between me and my goal.

But I have woken up from the slumber. I shall begin my work now.

What Kills A Social Moment? Power Play or Ignorance

Even before the Hazares and the Ramdevs hogged the limelight, there were several others leading silent protests in different parts of the country.

Irom Sharmila is the first name that comes to mind, a lady on a fast-unto-death since 2000 against Armed Forces (Special Forces) Act in Manipur and other Northeastern states. Neither has the Media been too generous in showing her plight to the ignorant minds nor has the Centre sent anyone to talk to “the world’s longest hunger striker”.

Not even a veteran social activist like Medha Patkar of the Narmada Bachao Andolan could get the kind of “political mileage” these modern-day heroes, ranting against corruption, have garnered in recent days.

Are the causes raised by them more important than their contemporaries? How do we differentiate between one movement and the other? Why are we so moved by “highly publicized” media campaigns even as we turn a blind eye on those which fail to appear on social networks like Facebook?  

Media, surely, has a bigger role to play than just being a toy in the hands of wannabe social activists. For the aam aadmi it is virtually impossible to lead a social movement. And for large-scale public support one has to resort to social networks, media and PR (here, I mean Political Relations).

The Baba Ramdev Movement that started as a public outcry for justice apparently turned into a battleground for power. Too much politics at both ends killed the purpose. And that is my intention of writing this piece. What is the “purpose” of any movement? Not only waking up the Government and the masses from their long slumber, but also bringing “substantial changes” in the present social order. For any campaign to be successful it’s important for the leader to tread the political path with care, maintain complete transparency and credibility.

All those self-proclaimed “Gandhians” must not forget that Bapu’s conditions and his intentions for “Satyagraha” were reasonably different. Neither was the then Government our own, nor were we in a democracy.

Even after Independence, several have fasted to death for prominent issues like creating separate linguistic states. The recent death of a Swami fasting against illegal quarrying near Ganga in Haridwar and the lack of “political empathy” towards him has raised grave concerns on the thin line between social and political movements. By latter, I mean movements with political aspirations of an individual or group under camouflage of a social movement. What make a movement successful are the support it generates and also the final outcome.

Most of the movements in recent times have been state-centric, at least to the casual observer. However the anti-graft movements for black money and Lokpal have been of a different nature.

Anna Hazare, a veteran activist himself, may have got 360 degrees support from civil society members, former bureaucrats like Kiran Bedi and the Opposition. But the controversies surrounding other members of his Team and his noticeable differences with Baba Ramdev drifted away the attention from the real goal.

Both the Anna and Ramdev Movement, despite being lead by two distinct personalities, have come down to be counted as one.

“Power play” is the best word I get to explain my stand.

People coming in support of the two men gave more attention to the fact that the movements were essentially “anti-Congress” and failed to quantify the possibilities of some of the claims made. Now that one of the two is left with just “allegations” and no fruitful results, it needs to be seen what way does the Anna Movement takes us to.

With the Govt all set to go ahead with its draft of Lokpal Bill in the Parliament anytime next month, Hazare has announced  a “Second Independence Movement“ to call for a strong Lokpal Bill.

Now, this raises questions about the authenticity of “hunger strikes” itself. Is this theatrical approach to the issue avoidable? Can the Parliament like the politicians in power be “blackmailed” on the pretext of changing the socio-political order?

No doubt the issue is important and is in the benefit of common people. But there are things beyond this and until every individual partakes in chucking out the roots of corruption no movement can actually turn out to be totally social.

The saddest part is that people are least interested in what affects them the most- the politics of the country. Even a strong protest falls silent without proper “political care”. By politics I mean good leadership, accountability and a vision. Not the distorted version we are witnessing in an era of coalition politics.

Father's Day: Not A Daddy's Girl

Father’s day may not just be about expressing your love for Daddy but also about missing the most vital thing in one’s life. And that is the care and guidance of a quintessential “father figure” in the life of an average intellectual girl.

This Father’s day and several days of the year the thought of fatherless girls and girls with indifferent fathers troubled me.

There are millions of children across the world devoid of the benefits of having both parents. Several couples in India have to live separately in different cities due to financial constraints. This is a trend catching up not just in rural areas but also in the metropolitan cities. Better job opportunities in other towns are forcing fathers to compromise on the precious time spend with kids.

But what about those fathers who are in the same city yet never stand up for their children. I am more concerned about fathers who are not empathetic towards their offspring, specially the girl child.

The father is the “first male” in a girl’s life. And, if the relation with this first man in her life is “distressed” due to whatever reasons, it can have long-term harmful effects on her personality, to the extent of becoming socially-insecure.

Later as she would grow up, she may find it difficult to have sustainable relations with her male friends, her boyfriend and even with her husband. The grave concern is that she may never realise this.

Lack of direction in various spheres like studies, career and social activities may force her to look outwards. Such girls are more likely to become emotionally-volatile. Mood swings, anti-men syndrome and bouts of loneliness are common things.

Not that am advocating for a male-regulatory childhood, but fathers who have almost no interference in the daily activities of their daughters may end up ruining latter’s personal life. Fathers stand not just for financial security but help in building a strong foundation in the making of an emotionally-secure individual.

I am not sure if it’s true in case of boys, but I have observed the side-effects in most girls.  The only positive thing, so to say, of having an unsympathetic Daddy is that it makes you do every little thing “on your own”. From filling admission forms to shifting a house, fixing the cooler or getting the cooking gas filled. But who wants to achieve independence at such a cost.

The picture is different for ladies living alone or separate from their partners. They have seen the world and the men around. But for those little angels who are yet to step into the “man’s world”, their Daddy is supposed to be the first Teacher, Guru and Guide.

If a man fails to be a good father, in my view, he doesn't qualify to be married. Unfortunately, the process has to go in the reverse order, at least in my country!

बस एक शिकायत है

हम तो सबको समझाएं,
मगर कोई हमें जब समझाए,
हम घबरा क्यों जाते हैं ?
उलझनें सबकी सुलझा कर,
हम ख़ुद उलझते जाते हैं.

है ज़िंदगी बड़ी या उसका दुख बड़ा,
जो समझ गया बस वही खड़ा,
बाक़ी सब टूटते जाते हैं.

है ख़ुद से बस यही शिकायत,
हम तो सबको समझाएं,
मगर कोई हमें जब समझाए,
हम घबरा क्यों जाते हैं ?

जन्मदिन पर ऊपरवाले से लड़ाई?

आज तो जन्मदिन है...मंदिर गई होगी सुबह ? ऑफिस में किसी ने पूछा. ना में जवाब दिया तो सुझाव आया कि घर लौटते समय चले जाना. जब मैंने जनाब को बताया कि मैं मंदिर जाती ही नहीं तो वो बोले: "तो आप नास्तिक हैं ?

मैंने हंसकर जवाब दिया: “नहीं, बस मंदिर जाना छोड़ दिया.”

भाईसाहब ने उत्सुक होकर पूछा: “ऐसा क्यों ?”

बात जल्दी निपटाने के लिए मैंने कहा: “जब तक चीज़ों के बारे में पता नहीं था, जाती थी...अब नहीं जाती...धर्म ने औरतों का कौनसा भला किया है”.

“हां, बात तो सही है आपकी...” ऐसा कहकर भाईसाहब वापिस काम में जुट गए. दरअसल, ये जनाब भी मेरी तरह पॉलिटिकल साइंस यानी राजनीति विज्ञान की पढ़ाई कर चुके हैं और सामाजिक मुद्दों की अच्छी समझ रखते हैं.

बहरहाल, पूरा दिन काम में बीता...पूजा तो छोड़िए, प्रार्थना करने का ख़्याल भी मन में नहीं आया. लौटते वक़्त किसी ने यही सवाल दोहराया. मेरा जवाब सुनकर हैरानी से बोले: “भगवान से लड़ाई है क्या ?”

मैंने भी उतनी ही हैरानी से जवाब दिया: ”भगवान मंदिर में रहते हैं क्या ?”

वो मुस्कुराने लगे तो मैंने कहा...मेरी सोच कुछ अलग है इस मामले में. घर पहुंचकर मन में ख़्याल आया कि क्या सभी मानकर बैठे हैं कि भगवान मंदिर, मस्जिद, गुरुद्वारा या गिरजाघरों में मिलेंगे ?

इससे बड़ा छलावा तो कोई हो ही नहीं सकता...जो चीज़ ईश्वर ने बनाई ही नहीं उसमें भला वो क्यों रहने लगे. लोगों ने अपने प्रचार-प्रसार के लिए मंदिर बनवा दिए तो भ्रम होने लगा कि भगवान से मिलने का सबसे सही स्थान यही है. वैसे, शुरुआत शायद ऐसी नहीं रही होगी. इन जगहों का निर्माण शायद प्रेरित करने के लिए हुआ होगा कि घर पर न सही, बाहर ही हम विनम्रता और दया का भाव जागृत करें. पर ऐसा तो कुछ हुआ ही नहीं...वेद-पुराण पढ़कर भी कुछ हासिल नहीं हुआ. जैसे-जैसे आदमी की इच्छाएं पूरी होती गई, लालच भी बढ़ता गया. उपलब्धियों से उसकी आस्था बढ़ती गई और उसे यक़ीन हो गया कि वो सही रास्ते पर है. जिसे असफलता का सामना करना पड़ा, वो या तो ऊपरवाले से विरक्त हो गया, या कर्म-कांडों में फंस गया. फिर दोष दिया क़िस्मत को. भक्ति के छलावे में ख़ुद पर भरोसा ही नहीं रहा. कहा परमात्मा मुझसे नाराज़ है...इसलिए मुझे अभाव में रखा. ऐसा क्या करूं कि घर, गाड़ी के सपने सच हो जाएं...उपवास से ही काम बन जाए...अगर ये हो जाए तो 251 रुपए का प्रसाद चढ़ा दूं...सुना है उस मंदिर में चादर चढ़ाने से हर मन्नत पूरी होती है.

कहीं काम नहीं बना तो कीर्तन-जगरातों में जाना शुरु कर दिया...देवी मां शायद ख़ुश हो जाए...हलवा-पूरी सब बाटूंगी एक बार, बस एक बार मेरी मुरादें पूरी हो जाएं... कुछ नहीं हुआ...अब क्या करुं, कहां जाउं...घर पर मन विचलित होता है...मंदिर चली जाती हूं...वहा मन शांत हो जाएगा...

लेकिन घर आते ही वही माहौल...उफ्फ! इससे तो मंदिर ही अच्छा... बस मैं और मेरे राम...घर पर क्या हो रहा है कुछ पता ही नहीं...मंदिर के नाम पर जो छलावा गले लगाया उसने इतना निर्भर बना दिया कि भगवान का सिखाया हुआ प्रेम और निरबैरता का पाठ घर आने तक भूल गए. धीरे-धीरे हमने मंदिर को आकांक्षाएं और शिकायतें गिनाने का आरामगृह बना लिया. आज मंदिरों के नाम पर बड़े-बड़े महल खड़े हैं... इतना धन अगर बेघर लोगों पर ख़र्च किया जाए तो किसी को फुटपाथ पर न सोना पड़े.

कई मंदिरों में भगवान के दर्शन की रेट लिस्ट लगी होती है...जितना बड़ा रुतबा, उतनी बड़ी रसीद कटवा लें...सुना है कई मंदिरों में भगवान के दर्शन के लिए वीआईपी गेट भी होते हैं...जो पीछे से जाते हैं...गांव में इसे चोर रास्ता कहते हैं. 

अब भला भगवान को पैसों की क्या ज़रुरत...अब तो यक़ीन हो गया... भगवान मंदिर में नहीं मिलने वाले... जहां दर्ज़े के हिसाब से दर्शन होते हों, वहां तो बिल्कुल भी नहीं...

चलो, घर पर ही मंदिर बनाकर रोज़ पूजा कर ली जाए. मग़र ये क्या जिस दिन दीपक न जला पाई, ख़ुद को कोसने लगी...अरे भई, भगवान नाराज़ नहीं होने वाले...उनके पास और भी काम हैं...न तो वो तुम्हारी तरह लालची हैं और न ही किसी बहकावे में आने वाले... 251 रुपए में ख़रीदने चली थीं!

जैसा हमारा मन, हमारा ईश्वर बिल्कुल वैसा ही है...मन निर्मल तो ईश्वर निर्मल, यदि मन मैला तो ईश्वर को मैला होने में वक़्त नहीं लगेगा...यही सत्य है और सत्य ही ईश्वर है...कर्म, वाणी और विचारों में शुद्धता लाएं तो ईश्वर सदा मन में बसेंगे...रही बात मेरी तो मेरे कमरे में कोई तस्वीर या मूर्ति नहीं है. हां, मन में सिर्फ़ अच्छे विचार हैं...इसलिए आस्था के बावजूद मंदिर में आना-जाना बंद है...उपवास रखने से बेहतर समझती हूं दूसरों को खाना खिलाया जाए. मंदिर जाने में बुराई नहीं लेकिन उसे वास्तविकता से पलायन का ज़रिया न बना लें...ख़ुश रहे, ख़ुश रखें....

Meri Khushi

मेरी हंसी भी तुम, मेरी ख़ुशी भी तुम...
मेरी हंसी भी तुम, मेरी ख़ुशी भी तुम...
तुम बिन नहीं है कुछ, कुछ नहीं तुम बिन...

मेरी हंसी भी तुम, मेरी ख़ुशी भी तुम...
जीना तुमही से है, तुमपर है ये ख़त्म...
सांसे थमने लगी, रुकने लगी धड़कन..

मेरी हंसी भी तुम, मेरी ख़ुशी भी तुम...
तुम बिन नहीं है कुछ, कुछ नहीं तुम बिन...

मुझमें हूं मैं कहां, मुझमें हो तुम ही तुम
मुझमें हो तुम ही तुम, मुझमें हो तुम ही तुम
तुम बिन नहीं है कुछ, कुछ नहीं तुम बिन...

Meri Khushi (Audio)

Wish I Was 22 Again

आज फिर से दिल करता है कि 5 साल पीछे चली जाउं...ऐसा क्या था 5 साल पहले जो अब नहीं है?

पांच साल पहले मैंनें मीडिया में क़दम रखा था. उस वक्त न सिर्फ मुझमें काम के प्रति ज़्यादा उत्साह था बल्कि ज़िंदगी में कामयाब होने की एक ललक थी...उस वक्त एक 'ज़िदंगी' ऑफिस के बाहर भी हुआ करती थी...मुझे याद नहीं कि कभी दफ्तर की कोई टेंशन मैं बाहर लेकर आई.

22 साल की उम्र में 'शादी' जैसा बड़ा फ़ैसला कर लिया था मैंने...पहली नौकरी और पहली रिलेशन्शिप....यह 'पंचनामा' इसलिए क्योंकि एक नई बॉलीवुड फिल्म ने मुझे कॉलेज के तुरंत बाद के दिनों की याद दिला दी...दिल्ली शहर में लाइफ कैसी है...जैसे हम हैं बिल्कुल वैसी. जब हम ख़ुश तो सारा शहर मानो जश्न मनाता हो...और जब हम ग़मज़दा तो जैसे हर कोई अपनी तन्हाई में डूबा हुआ. एक दूसरे का हाल पूछने की किसी को फुरसत ही नहीं. पांच साल में कई दोस्त बने, कई पुराने दोस्त छूट गए.

मग़र आज यह फिल्म देखकर एहसास हुआ कि ‘दोस्ती’ तो निभाई जा सकती है मग़र ‘रिलेशन्शिप्स’...बाप रे बाप...जैसे फिल्म के एक किरदार ने कहा: “Relationship means an end to your own happiness…” वाकई, उस उम्र में तो क्या किसी भी उम्र में रिश्ते निभाना “is a hell of a job”.

प्यार को समझने में ही एक उम्र निकल जाती है...जिसे हम प्यार समझ बैठते हैं वो अकसर एक ज़रुरत होती है...किसी ‘छलावे’ के पीछे हम अपना सब कुछ लुटा देते हैं और फिर कुछ हाथ न लगने पर या तो ख़ुदको कोसते हैं या सामने वाले को...वैसे ख़ुदको ज़िम्मेदार मानने वाले समझदार कम ही होंगे...अपनी बात करुं तो रिलेशन्शिप ख़त्म होने के कई साल तक मैं अपने आपको ही ज़िम्मेदार मानती रही...लेकिन सिर्फ रिलेशन्शिप ओवर होने का उसके असफल होने का  नहीं. अलग होने का फ़ैसला मेरा था लेकिन रिश्ते की नाक़ामयाबी का ठीकरा मैंने उसके सर मढ़ दिया. “मुझे वो ख़ुश नहीं रख पाया...” यही सोचकर में आगे बढ़ गई. मगर इन 5 सालों में शादी के कई प्रस्तावों के बावजूद मैं ख़ुदको किसी से जोड़ नहीं सकी... शायद मैं आगे बढ़ ही नहीं पाई थी.

मैं बिना किसी रिलेशन्शिप के भी वैसी ही थी जैसे रिलेशन्शिप के दौरान...तब समझ में आया कि ख़ुदको ख़ुश रखने की ज़िम्मेदारी हमारी अपनी है...फिल्म में हीरो जब कहता है कि “इन लड़कियों को कोई ख़ुश नहीं रख सकता...” तब लगा कि अगर हर लड़का इसी मानसिकता से पीड़ित रहेगा तो न तो कभी ख़ुद ख़ुश रहेगा और न लड़की को ख़ुश रख सकेगा...एक बात है औरतें ‘ख़ुश करने’ की मंशा से कोई काम नहीं करती...वो बस वही करती हैं जो उन्हें सही लगता है.. हां मगर सही-गलत का फ़ैसला उनका अपना होता है...और सारी ‘प्रॉब्लम’ ही यहीं से शुरु होती हैं...

मुझे अपने अलग होने के फ़ैसले पर कोई अफसोस नहीं मगर दिल करता है कि एक बार फिर 22 की हो जाउं और 'ज़िदंगी' फिर से शुरु करुं...इस बार किसी छलावे में नहीं बल्कि होश और समता में जीवन को सही ढंग से जीने के लिए...